Honesty

I am having a wallow in bed sort of moment. I just want to stay here, surrounded by pillows and blankets and self pity.

Talking to my dad on the phone about stress earlier today the tears streamed down my face and I just felt so small. Any accomplishment I make pales so much in comparison to the one thing I can't seem to do, and I am at a loss. Sometimes I think of my stress as a tangible object, a part of my system that I've come to rely on and that I sometimes misdiagnose as a personality trait.

So on Wednesday of this week I put in my resignation at work. I've always known my work environment was unhealthy, but when i wrote that letter and sent in in I actually felt a part of the sadness that I'd been carrying around with me start to leave. It made me consider how sad I must have really been. But it's the tricky kind of sadness - the sadness tied to circumstance. Fleeting sadness, here and then not, that you just kind of endure. I'd been enduring it for too long, but now I don't have to. There is a certain power in walking away from something that is toxic. I am walking away to find something else, and I can't begin to describe how good it feels.

A new job landed in my lap this week. It happens to be an assistant manager gig in retail, which is for all intents and purposes a giant step backward on the career ladder of life, but for me it is one little step closer to better, and for that I thank my guardian angels. But when we talk about it I'll still be completely embarrassed to admit it. I'm leaving a job as a graphic designer and technical editor at a research and development company to sell clothes. And I'm going to be completely honest with you, I feel like a failure. I failed at SEL, I failed at getting pregnant. Stamp me on the forehead: FAIL. I'm going to be working in the mall. FAIL, FAIL, FAIL.

On Wednesday I will have an exit interview with HR, where they'll ask me questions about my time at SEL, and then I will hand in my badge and go. Did I enjoy my work? Would I refer a friend? What were contributing factors to leaving? I completed two versions of the questionnaire - in one I am classy and dignified. I am grateful for the opportunities, perhaps I would refer a friend, I just feel my time here has ended and I am ready for something new. In the other, I am brutally honest. Working at SEL made me miserable. Working at SEL caused me to seek out a therapist last year. I would sooner refer a friend to prostitution than to employment at SEL. Is that too dramatic? When the president of the company said in front of me that "the good thing about old age is gravity makes it longer, but also harder to get up," that was a contributing factor. When I was transferred from Executive Secretary to Technical Document Specialist without my consent, that was a contributing factor. When the VP of HR called me into her office to tell me that no one liked me, and that to succeed at SEL I'd need to "try harder to fit in," that was a contributing factor. The burping manager by my desk all day? The fact that I have not had any work for months? Was never trained for my new position? All. Contributing. Factors. In the end I decided to be classy - (though that doesn't mean I have to be classy here).

So this is it: supporting a husband through graduate school is really, really hard. Living with monthly defeat and making compromises on the life you really want is really hard. And I am struggling to make it my own. I am struggling.

I know we all struggle with something, and this struggle isn't much in the grand scheme of things. I picked this blog back up because I needed to remember to celebrate the good stuff that's always here, sometimes hiding under the bad stuff but still always here, and I like to think that most of the time that is what I do. But I hope it's okay if I take a break for a bit and just say it: THIS IS HARD.

This is hard and it sucks.