Yo-Yo

(An ovary with a big fat follicle. I found this on google image. Don't you wish that WAS my follicle though?)

Today I saw my follicle. It was really flipping cool.

We reviewed it all together in his office as he asked me a battery of questions. Do you smoke? Have you had surgery? Do you ovulate? How are your cramps? Do you have fibroids? Me, I had all the right answers. No. No. Yes. Mild. No.

Well, you're ovulating, the doctor announced. This should be easy.

He told me to stop taking supplements, my body was doing okay, no intervention needed.

Your body is working beautifully, he said, and I wanted to believe him.

You know, the body is this weird thing. You inhabit it; it's all around you. As you grow, it grows. And at the same time it is so weird. These things happen and you can't see them,  most of the time you can't even feel them. All inside you are millions of biological processes you don't even think about, aren't even aware of. Complicated, nuanced little waltzes, and here you are worried about whether or not you should wear those shoes with that top. I mean, it's bizarre, right?

For a year I have been looking for a problem. There has to be one! Otherwise, why? And when? And, no really, why?? I stopped eating from plastic, I went all organic. I stopped exercising, and started again. I stopped being careful with what I ate even when I knew my body would feel better if I were more strict; I gained five pounds, I lost five pounds, I had my hormones checked, and then supplemented, and then checked again, and all this time I have been distrusting my body, ignoring what I have been told time and time again:

I am working beautifully.

I want to believe it.