One night a few months ago I dreamed a dream in which I visited a cyberfriend. Our husbands who have never met sat around her coffee table in her cozy living room and talked like old friends while I nursed a baby girl. (In my dreams these days I am always nursing a baby girl.) My cyberfriend was nowhere to be seen, off in another bedroom, or in the kitchen, and I nursed happily on, absentmindedly following the conversation but also lost in thought. I was thinking of my cyberfriend, and of her brand new pregnancy. So new she had not disclosed it yet, but somehow or other I knew. It was whispered to me from the cosmos. I was so happy for us, me and my nursing girl, she and her little secret.
But I woke up conflicted. I know about my dreams. I know to take them seriously. But I was tired of dreaming about this subject.
I was tired of the unreciprocated.
I debated what to do with the information I had been given. (And from where? And for why?) I imagined an email. What would it look like? I pondered the dream. Why did I need to know this? Was it a proof of our friendship, mine with this cyberfriend? Did she need something from me? What had I to offer? What?
And like I said, I was tired of the unreciprocated.
Days went by and the dream had turned into a hard rock in the pit of my stomach. It began to make me angry.
I emailed her to tell her I was thinking of her. It was the only way to preserve my pride while still following through on the mysterious orders I seemed to be receiving.
In due time the news came out. And though I already knew I felt my heart sink straight through the floor. For days I moped. Why not me? And, why? And also, WHY. But mostly, why?
And where is my baby girl to nurse? I am tired of having these dreams for other people! When will this dream finally be for me?
I am so tired of the unreciprocated.
It happened because she gave up, she says.
And I'm tired too of hearing that story and all its versions.
Because as hard as I try to, I just can't seem to give up.
It took me over a year...I never gave up. I understand your pain. I hated the "your trying too hard", "it will happen" comments. I now have my baby and it suddenly all makes sense; the timing of everything fell into place like it was meant to be. I am praying for you and your husband:)
ReplyDeleteDon't give up! If I had just given up and waited to have a baby, I wouldn't have any children at all. That I am positively sure of.
ReplyDeleteMost women will eventually have a baby if they wait long enough. That's just the odds of having unprotected sex. But, I still think you have to set an end point at which you say, I've tried for X amount of years and it is time to get serious and see a DEDICATED fertily specialist (not just some OBGYN that fits in a few fertility patients).
Your desire to have children is strong for a reason and that has to carry you forward.
The only baby girl I will ever nurse is my dog Lily. Okay, maybe not nurse, cause I could even dedicate myself to nursing my three boys.
ReplyDeleteBut all joking aside, Anon and Brooke have good words of wisdom. I remember trying for nearly year which seemed for an eternity. Hugs and prayers to you.
I so feel your pain. Yes, I was one who had to "give up" to get pregnant BUT I still needed the medical intervention that I had started but was too lazy to stop while I gave up because I knew we would try again once life settled down. I also remember it seemed like everyone around me was pregnant including one of my closest friends who complained to me that she hadn't got pregnant in 4 months when I'd been trying a year and then was pregnant 2 months later and then I had to listen to her complain that she didn't want to be pregnant and not sure she was ready to be a mom. As hard as it is to hear and live- when the time is right it will happen one way or another! I also know that you are going to be an amazing and super fun mom.
ReplyDeleteheh...i gave up a year ago. not back on BC but not focused on ttc. well, guess what? it still hasn't happened. we've been trying for 2.5 yrs now and i don't know if you stop stressing it will work. but you're on the right path and moving the right direction. has the holbs been tested yet?
ReplyDeletewell you know my thoughts on the subject, we talked for a LONG time about it last night, but I would love to talk some more :) my blog is aamuir.blogspot.com see you tomorrow at institute!
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