because ophiuchus is not a dirty word

ok, so, a virgo, a libra, and a scorpio walk into church one sunday. something something something, punch line, badum-ching!

while they were there, the virgo helped pass the sacrament, the libra played the piano in relief society, and the scorpio looked really cute and kicked his legs when people smiled at him.

when they got home they said hello to their dogs (a libra and a taurus), and then they all probably took a nap or something, because going to church is really tiring.

this week, three virgos walked into a church. a virgo, a virgo, and a virgo. the one virgo helped pass the sacrament again, the other virgo played the piano during relief society, and the third virgo stubbornly refused all his naps and spent the majority of the afternoon with a tired, quivering chin.

when they got home they said hello to their two dogs (another virgo and now an aries), and then they wished they could take a nap, only instead they had home teachers coming over and a viewing of you've got mail to attend to (very spiritual matters indeed).

this is the part that's a joke: all of the sudden, this week i wasn't a libra anymore. when i found out, i died. i was properly devastated. because being a virgo is silly. i know this because i've seen it happen.

brandon is a virgo. he is such a virgo-y virgo that when the horoscopes up and changed on us this week, he was still a virgo. his virgo essence is too pure!

but i am a libra, or i've been a libra. and you don't just go from the fairest astrological sign in the heavens to the nerdiest without feeling at least a little bit depressed about things.

and anyway, huck can be a virgo if he wants to be, because that's how much i loooooove him.

as of this week, the holbrook household is four-fifths virgo. based on that information, and on my vast knowledge of psychoastrologicalcosmonaut type things, i am really quite qualified to provide for you the ultimate character description of a virgo:

1. virgos love beautiful things, and love to shop. virgos could shop all day long! virgos love to shop online, in malls, in thrift stores, in grocery stores, shopshopshopshopshop.

2. virgos HATE to shop. virgos would rather have their eyes pulled out of their sockets with a toenail clipper than have to shop. virgos would much prefer to watch cheesy scifi movies. nothing is more beautiful to a virgo than a calculator.

3. virgos have seasonal allergies.

4. virgos do not have seasonal allergies.

5. virgos are exceptionally poor at math.

6. virgos get their third post-graduate degree in tax law because they like adding up complicated strings of numbers.

7. virgos like to eat socks and puke them up under the bed on sunday mornings.

8. virgos have very sensitive stomaches and tend to get sick a lot.

9. virgos don't ever puke because puking is a sign of weakness.

10. virgos say things like, "are you ever going to post?" and "you should really post something new. try to sound intelligent though."

you got it?

so obviously it was looking pretty dire for me. but then i saw on twitter that this horoscope change only applies to people born after 2009? (if it's on twitter it must be true. i've prayed about it.)

so, libra again.

it's too bad, i was starting to embrace my new virgo-ness. so being a virgo is nerdy, so what? i love the nerds! and anyway, it could be worse. i could be a sagittarius. (i don't know anything about being a sagittarius.)

i guess i'll just be satisfied to be the one lone libra in a sea of handsome virgos.

so, two virgos and a libra walk into church one sunday . . .