last night as i was nursing my baby to sleep i had a rather lovely thought.
i thought to myself, as i was nursing my fat little baldy,
right now, this very minute, i have everything i've ever wanted.
lovely, right?
i'm living in my favorite city in the world,
i am healthy and strong,
i have really great friends,
i love my family super much amounts,
i have an outlet for my bizarre ramblings,
my husband loves me,
he's really hot,
and he is employed,
and,
best of all,
i am somebody's mother.
the minute i thought this rather lovely thought i thought another rather lovely thought:
i have everything i want, but somehow, i want more.
and that's a good thing.
isn't it?
accepting enough has never been our strong suit as a human species. henceforth i am typing this to you on a COMPUTER, in a climate controlled INDOOR ENVIRONMENT, using DEXTERITY IN MY FINGERS, and not using my FLIPPERS. am i right? or am i getting darwinism wrong.
i find daily that i have to create my own happiness, even when i know that what i have should be more than enough for me.
it is easy for me to look around and identify what else i could have. i want more babies, for instance. (not right this second!) and i want more space, for which to put these more babies. i want more money to afford more vacations in more places that are warm and more breezy. i want more storage. i want more confidence in my abilities, and more peace with my husband, and more dogs that are sane, and less dogs that are not.
i want, i want, i want.
it's a problem.
but here's what: it's a good thing i had those awful years of working at the world's supidest company, for the world's most deplorable boss, while dealing with my body's most stubborn infertility.
because i learned then how to be happy with what i got, even when what i got wasn't a whole lot.
it was hard then. it is hard now because life is always hard, but the hard times now are not hard in the same way that hard times were hard then. and for that i am grateful.
the good news is, that happiness i found then has stayed with me.
like a little trick in my pocket for just-in-case.
because having everything you ever wanted is entirely possible it turns out,
but guess what, it won't make you happy every second of every day.
only we can do that for ourselves.
and you know what?
we totally can.
that's probably the most lovely thought of all.
this week i am nursing openly all over nyc.
it's an experiment.
What kind of life would it be if we quit striving and quit dreaming? nothing wrong in wanting more!
ReplyDeleteDream on Nat, dream on!
I dream everyday of someday being someone's mom, and I refuse to quit!
I don't really like the word poignant. However I feel that's what this post is.
ReplyDeleteAll so true....
xx
Loved this. Definitely a kick in the pants for me to try and be happy now, even though I don't have everything I want right now. It sounds so silly and trite when I say it out loud, but I needed to a reminder.
ReplyDeletei love the word delicious. i use it as much as possible. i never comment but i read all the time. i love this post and agree. dream away! i'll continue reading, dreaming and pretend we are friends.
ReplyDeleteSo true...I have a dear friend who recently passed away, and she loved this quote:
ReplyDelete"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings" -- Elizabeth Gilbert
I feel your post sums that up very well. Thanks for sharing Natalie.
Great post.
ReplyDeleteWhip those boobs out girl. It's your gift to NYC.
I love this post. Gives me incredible hope. and I agree with April...whip them out!
ReplyDeleteThis is just a lovely post. I remember when I was where you are now and all my dreams had come true. Can't believe my precious firstborn is ELEVEN now. Being squeamish breastfeeding is such an American thing - I'm in NZ and no one gives a hoot. (But apparently being squeamish about painting little boys' fingernails is also an American thing . . . oh, you wacky people . . . )
ReplyDelete1. Love this post
ReplyDelete2. SO happy you addressed the gift/give debacle of sorts. Recently I feel that lots of people on the crafty/vintagey blogs out there are gifting and getting gifted lots of things and it's driving me cuh-razy! :)
3. That is all.
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer. -Jim Carrey
ReplyDeleteDon't you love this? I do.
This is one of my favorite posts you've ever written. I daresay it's up there with the August/peonies post. And that's sayin' a lot.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy for you, stranger. :)
I've been reading your blog for a months, even read the archives but never commented.
ReplyDeleteNatalie, i think we would or should be friends, kindred spirits maybe.... So lets be ok? Ok.
A while ago i was up late watching some mindless tv in bed with my mister and guess who was on... it was Greg. (Greg Behrendt maybe, he is the only greg i can find on google who had a talk show.) Anyway you know what he said, something i have never forgotten, and once again it came to mind while reading your post. It was this,
"It's your life make it delicious!"
What a delightful statement to live by, right? No way have i done this everyday but it is something to aspire, dream and try by.
Just thought i'd share the love.
PS- thanks for your blog, tweets and babble posts. They have made me laugh, cry, think and laugh again.
Freaking awesome post. Love it. It's so true. I also have everything I ever wanted, basically, and now that I have it I think I want something completely different. But I am happy, because I've figured out for the moment how to be happy and I'm doing what the happiness gods require of me.
ReplyDeleteLove nursing without a cover. So much more discreet, really, than whipping out a blanket that screams "I am nursing right now."
This might be one of my favorites posts.Beautiful! And I am dying to hear about the nursing experiment! I wonder if people are nicer to a hot nursing Mama or not.
ReplyDelete"verb [ trans. ]
ReplyDeletegive (something) as a gift, esp. formally or as a donation or bequest : the company gifted 2,999 shares to a charity.
• present (someone) with a gift or gifts : the director gifted her with a heart-shaped brooch.
• ( gift someone with) endow someone with (something) : she was gifted with a powerful clairvoyance."
If it's in the dictionary, it's a lost battle.
LOVE this post! it reminds me of a post I made when my little boy was brand new :)
ReplyDeletehttp://whiteleygang.blogspot.com/2010/09/happiest-day-of-my-life.html
if you're curious
I tell my 3 month old he is delicious all the time! I love the word delicious.
ReplyDeleteFirst time commenting. Hello. Guilty silent reader.
ReplyDeleteLoved this post. I have a 7 month old and can't tell you how many times I am nursing him to sleep in his dark little room and I think, "this is heaven" and then he falls asleep and I pull his puckered lips off me and melt how his lips stay in the same position as I lay him down in his crib. I then go cuddle up with my husband and think, "i've got everything I need." {sigh}
Thanks for the reminder.
Great post. I don't know why one must work at the worst job with a deplorable boss while struggling with infertility, but I did too. We adopted our baby in May and it has been the most amazing thing ever.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. It made my day.
i covet your life especially this bit
ReplyDelete"i am somebody's mother"
~x~
Hello, i am glad to read the whole content of this blog and am very excited and happy to say that the webmaster has done a very good job here to put all the information content and information at one place.
ReplyDeleteAwesome post :)
ReplyDeleteI'm from London but will be coming to NY for a few days next week- What do you suggest I do?? :) I dont know anyone here so i'll be completely freeeee to do what I want :)
Jen x
Delicious indeed
ReplyDeleteHey, good for you on the nursing!!!
love.
ReplyDeletethat's all, just love. or maybe even LOVE.
Wonderful post. We all need reminders to enjoy what we have...
ReplyDeleteIn my eyes, this post just made you the "most stylish mom" of the top 25!
ReplyDeletehis is such a great post. something i think about all the time. i feel so very blessed, but that doesn't mean i'm happy all the time. yet when i work on my attitude i can usually get there. thanks for the reminder :)
ReplyDeleteGreat post, it's so true. We definitely choose to be happy/content no matter what.
ReplyDeleteLove it. This was a great reminder! Thanks for being so honest.
ReplyDeleteThis is a fabulous post. I agree that striving for more goodness is important, though I sometimes get stuck in the wanting more of the new anthro catalog instead. :) Content while still striving? I guess that's what I'm aiming for. Love the Jim Carrey quote from an above commenter. And I'd join you in the open nursing if my 11 month old weren't such a gymnast! I'd be exposed on more than the landing and takeoff thanks to his crazy antics. :)
ReplyDeleteI think it's only healthy to always want and strive for more... as long as you also appreciate all the good things you already have. I had a rought time with work and life in general a few months back, and I constantly stopped to reflect on all the good things I DO have. It is so important to focus on the blessings you do have, and to know that more good will be coming. I like thinking like an optimist :)
ReplyDeleteI'd love to hear the reasoning behind your experiment. I've breastfed all 3 of my children, but not uncovered in public. Covered, yes of course, but uncovered? No. Modesty is too important to me.
ReplyDeleteSo what is it that you're trying to learn through this experiment that outweighs the chance that a stranger will accidentally see an exposed breast?
Your post sounds like thoughts that have been swimming about in my head recently. The theme of happiness and the constant search for it reminds me of a book I read in my last year of High School:
ReplyDeleteThe History of Rasselas, Prince of Abissinia by Samuel Johnson
I know the title really sounds completely uninspiring, but it is a great tale about happiness and how, even when we achieve the dream we have set out for, we are still not happy and then set about creating more dreams to achieve.
It is very apt to what appears to be your current state of mind :-)
Such a beautiful post. And exactly what I needed. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteI use tasty all the time and it somewhat irks my husband - due to it's lack of descriptive power. But this blog post was tasty. Especially the part about wanting more. It's a very conflicting topic for me. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog, and it is wonderful! Thank you for such a fantastic post. You seem to have captured what so many are feeling, and then "gifted" it to the written word. :)
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful reminder to all of us to be grateful.
ReplyDeleteAND just when I thought I couldn't love you more...
you're standing up for a mother's right to nurse in public!
YOU ARE AWESOME.
Amen! And, thanks to you!
ReplyDelete"Hmmmm." That was the nice little contented sighing sound that my mouth made after I read this. :-)
ReplyDeleteI remember one of my first few weeks in sacrament meeting in Berkeley when I turned around and saw a mother nursing without a cover. It didn't happen all of the time but around Berkeley people nursed openly all of the time, including me. I wish i was nursing in a city right now so I could join you!!
ReplyDeletebeautiful post. nothing more needs to be said.
ReplyDeleteSweden says hi and thank you for a great post!
ReplyDelete"And best of all, you are somebody's mother!" I write about that i my blog, as motherhood is under attack here in this "feministic" country.
I like your nursing experiment! It makes it easier for me when visiting the states, always nervous giving my baby food there. I, like you, like to show my boobs:) Maybe not, but the blankets makes it harder and why complicate it when everything goes smooth with the autopilot?
Please visit my cyber home in Sweden. Welcome!
Thanks so much for writing this! I look forward to reading your blog, often its the best part of my day.
ReplyDeleteyes, yes, yes, but i fight the urge to want it all RIGHT NOW!!! a year ago we were dirt poor (seriously, our 3 year old had more money in his savings account which we actually had to borrow there at the end, BUT did pay him back in full), and all i wanted was a house and an iphone. now i have both and i want my basement finished, a slip n slide (which i purchased at costco today despite it putting us over budget by $30), a suburban (to hold the 3 more babies i want to add to the 2 i already have, which my stepmom finds rEEEdiculous, especially b/c we don't have health insurance b/c we used clomid to get the first two babies), and then there's the student loans (or what we commonly refer to as the second mortage), and i want the basement finished off (did i already say that? well, it's something i really want.) so ok, i've said it. now magic genie, come and grant it!
ReplyDeleteLOVELY! Enjoyed reading this. And you have over 1300 votes! Ha-cha-cha!! Guess how many I have? A smidgen over 100. Ha ha ha! Someday, I will be a rad Mormon mommy blogger like YOU! A girl can dream, yo.
ReplyDeleteOh, I kind of love your blog! Found you via the circle of moms thing. You and your little family are adorable. Makes me miss my old tiny apt in NYC. xx
ReplyDeleteI LOVE THIS POST!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteand just today as my cat had been missing for 2 days straight in coyote land..."Lord God, please, I don't care terribly much for designer clothes, or that my car is a clunker that runs on prayers and fumes, but please, don't take my fur baby...everything else is just whatever"...and you know? She showed up on the doorstep tonight!
ReplyDeleteI have been reading through your blog. I found you in the world of Instagram and love following your photos. @bgrimnes. I LOVE this post... I am interesed in reading more about your road to pregnancy as I am in the same boat and the work situation is very similar but shhhh I didn't write that since I am still working there and need to keep my job (especially if I am trying to get pregnant). But I felt the need to say THANK YOU for posting this!! All so true and I couldn't have said it better than that! I love how incredibly honest you are when you write.
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog!!!! Thank you!