ON BEING A QUEEN

some days as i putter around the house, changing diapers and folding laundry and tossing plastic horses back from whence they came into their gray felt toy bin, i'll stop and realize that i feel a little bit like i am playing house. all these green army guys dotting the floor and the smears of yogurt on the couch stop feeling like a mess. instead they become the very best kind of make believe. make believe this life is mine. and then i laugh at myself because this is my life. and plenty of people would look at it and think, "yuck." plenty of people would look at my marriage and think, "limiting." plenty of people would look at my daily list of things i accomplish and think, "silly."

but somehow i feel like i lucked out big time. somehow i feel like i'm living the dream.

it's not like my life is anything particularly noteworthy or exciting or special. it's just the life of a mom cleaning up after a baby. i mean, you see it every day in commercials: frumpy mom in a button up mops the floor. frumpy mom in a button up makes decisions about the peanut butters. frumpy mom in a button up and frizzy hair sacrifices herself and her former ambitions so that her kids can run around like ungrateful brats in stain-free clothing, playing soccer and drinking juice and leaving messes in their wake. it's the kind of life businessmen in suits look down on and tsk tsk about, all the while trying to turn a profit off it. you know, "bon bons and soap operas and mini vans." that's all this is.

and yet, this is it. for me, this is it. brandon goes off to work and i don't feel jealous of his importance or his title. i rather respect his sacrifice all the more, because i had that life once and i hated it. it was not forme. this right here, this is the promotion. and huck's not the boss, like some might think. i'm the boss. i'm more than the boss. he is my kingdom, that little turkey, and this little apartment on the upper west side, this blessed little home,  this is my palace. and i will tell you something: it feels regal, the work i do here. in here, i am a queen. 

i feel so lucky, because i had to struggle for this first. this silly little life of cleaning up after a baby and sudsing down the high chair tray for the millionth time and counting to three for my cooing little songbird over and over. i had to fight for it first. i was allowed the time to discover how very much i wanted it. my mom always told me this would be the case when i'd call her crying after another failed month, but it never really seemed believable. after all, it's just housework and dirty diapers and negotiating the emotions of a very small person. i mean, it is a little menial. but she'd tell me that my fight would make my baby sweeter, and the late nights easier. the messes smaller. 

as always (always always), my mom was right. how is she always right? and it's weird to me sometimes that i find such odd satisfaction in the sweeping. haha, weirdly, i love sweeping. i see god in the sweeping. i see angels in the laundry. in the middle of sleepless nights, i feel heaven in my arms. heaven that for me could just as easily have been hell, if i hadn't been given the chance to know how i wanted it so badly.

i never thought this day would come but it has and i am going to say it in bold because in my life this is a milestone: 

i am grateful for those two years i struggled to get pregnant.
 i am grateful for every horrible moment of them.

today. folding little baby clothes that will be smeared with hummus within a few hours. sweeping up cheerios. and more cheerios. cheerios that seem to scurry away under the couch to multiply and replenish the living room while i'm not looking. stopping at the dinner table to run my hand along its bumpy surface and admire my place settings. a pot of soup on the stove. a fridge stocked full of pepsi and a freezer full of frozen chocolate. this is not a bad way to live. this is not a kingdom i'm embarrassed to rule over. i rule powerfully here. with grace and elegance and mercy. and also false lashes. ;)

today is a gift.

i am just feeling terribly grateful.