A EULOGY FOR A DRAGON FLY

the other afternoon a friend stopped by the apartment to use my gel manicure lamp and tell me all about the interesting things in her life and also to share some sprinkles cupcakes she'd picked up on her way over.

i was doing that classic mom maneuver, where you shout out "i'm listening!" while chasing down your toddler and fetching snacks and wiping whole bunches of smeared champagne grapes off the floor.

it was during one such "i'm listening!"that i stepped into the bedroom and shrieked. ooh it was blood curdling, you'd have been impressed. i shrieked because there was an entire dead person on my bed. 

a dead dragon fly person.

it was so big! and SO DEAD. and all sprawled out in such a pathetic way, like it was the victim of some horrible homicide with part of its wing broken off, and not to mention it's head was HUGE, almost the size of mine and honestly this is no exaggeration, i was completely terrified of it. i was absolutely freaked. it was probably the most frightening thing i had ever seen, ever. 

i squealed and wiggled my fingers in the air and shuddered from head to toe and then it only got worse when i realized it was dead RIGHT WHERE I HAD JUST BEEN LYING NOT AN HOUR EARLIER NURSING MY BABY.

i was the kind of squicked out i usually only get around those mosquito hawk things because you just know those guys have no control over where they are flying. 

i am sorry for that link, by the way.

so obviously my first inclination was to take a photo of it and put it on instagram. 

once that was done (check!), then i had to fret over what on EARTH to do with the body.

the enormity of its enormous body was such that i couldn't just pick the thing up and drop it in the toilet.... i mean, it would dangle. 

so, ohhhhh goooooshhhh.

so the next obvious thing to do was to text the photo to brandon. 

i found this on the bed! right where i was laying! I WAS LAYING ON IT!

i mean, the horribleness and the awfulness of it will never actually be forgotten.

(name that movie please.)

brandon wrote back and suggested the thing had obviously COME IN ON MY SHIRT, but is this not too terrible a thought to even consider????????

no no, he must have come in through the living room window. breathe. i had opened it just an hour earlier, because i was enjoying the early autumn breeze like an idiot. maybe he'd flown in, somehow gotten past my face and on down the hall, then rested his furry body on the bed and felt all happy with himself until big old fat me had to come in and crush him totally to death by nursing my baby down for a nap on him. 

(at least he got to die with a boob in his face.)

no matter no matter. he was dead and occupying my bedroom and now i could never go in there any more ever again. ever. and my faux leather leggings from forever 21 had just arrived and i wanted to try them on! it was becoming such a tragedy.

when the holbsinator got home he dealt with its remains. i was just glad it was him and not me. i am sure brandon's eulogy was quite elegant, but i wasn't invited to the service. i had to stay away, you see. out of respect for the dead. since i killed him.

and so now you know the story of how i had a dead dragon fly corpse rotting on my bed until 10pm one night a week or so back.

you're welcome.