A BIRTHDAY WITH GEORGE AND MARTHA

this vanilla bean cupcake from alexandria cupcake and i got on real good, thanks for asking!

on tuesday we visited mt vernon.

it was drizzly and foggy and gorgeous,

and mt. vernon was so good. 

the property is beautiful, the museum is fantastic, and the gift shop!

i will also have you know that i forgot to pack any hair implement of any kind for this trip, 

and so by tuesday my hair was just sort of like, "well, whatever."

they told us we couldn't take photos inside the house, so of course i was forced to take this 

blurry shot of the crib in a guest room, because i am ornery.

george and martha's view of the potomac. it's killer.

so, right, so.... thirty. 

(i'm about to get a little silly and thoughtful on you now. scroll if you must.)

we used to joke as a family that i was born thirty. i think when i was two my favorite food was salad. i was always really serious about things and weirdly driven to not act like a teenager once i got there (though i'm sure i still did). i didn't even really go through any rebellious teenaged angst... well, not until i was 26. and then i went through it with gusto! 

so in the last two or so years, turning thirty started to become this thing. 

"when i turn thirty, i'll finally be ME." 

like my outsides and my insides would finally match up. and then we'd sail off together into the sunset.

me in my twenties wasn't my favorite. my twenties were such an in between time. and not to mention, my twenties did not go at all as i had planned. babies came stubbornly slower than expected, we stayed broke and stayed broke and stayed broke some more long past the point at which i felt it was appropriate to stay broke... it took us so long to get started that i thought we'd never get past the point where we needed to use the credit card to buy groceries at the end of every semester. brandon and i, we took the long, slow, scenic route to adulthood. five years of grad school will do that. my twenties just felt like this nothing nowhere time of endless preparation and attempts at getting started and very little payoff. there were beautiful times, of course, there are always beautiful times, and i hunted and digged for them and displayed them proudly where i could see them. but life in my twenties did not come easily. and while i'm glad--my twenties made me who i am today, and i like who i am today--still. good riddance. 

but that's sort of the thing, right? i like who i am today. i feel blessed that i've become this me. i like that i'm compassionate and sympathetic and understanding, and that i don't take things for granted. i like that i know how to hustle. i like that i'm kind, the kind of kind that comes from years of swallowing my pride. i like that i know that i know how swallow my pride. not everyone learns that. 

somewhere in the last year things started getting really good. brandon has a great job, our debt is slowly (slowly slowly) coming under control, i've found a way to help that finally utilizes this weird set of skills i came with, and my anxieties about the future, about who i'm supposed to be, are nearly all but gone. i love living in new york city. i love my beautiful little family. i know they were meant to be mine. i know that my journey to and along the path of motherhood is meant to be very spiritual, very purposeful, and very hard-won for me. and i'm proud of that. i feel strongly that there's one more baby out there for me. i don't know when exactly, but i know i'll meet her soon. and when she gets here i know that i'll recognize her as the one i was waiting for all this time. i know once she's here i'll feel complete. 

(if she turns out to be a he, i'll feel just the same! although--and i may definitely regret writing this--i do feel like i already know her. like we've spoken before. that's cheeseballs to say, but there it is. and who knows what all that really means, if anything. but some nights as i drift off to sleep i think i can feel her with me already.) 

but when the morning of october 2 rolled around and i awoke in our hotel room as my new self, with my insides and outsides finally together, it felt like a little bit of a letdown. because i think i realized i'd already done it. we'd already met up, maybe a few months back. no flash of lightning to go along with it, just a gradual melting of past and present and future. i'd had that peace and courage with me already. i'd already been who i was meant to become. so i sort of laughed at myself (as i often do) and got busy packing snacks and tidying up brandon's socks and answering happy birthday emails and texts.

so, this is me. i cry watching dumbo, i can only eat cereal in implements of four-or-more bowfuls, i get extremely defensive if you tell me i'm wrong, i need ten hours of sleep to function, i like back tickles and having my toes popped, i'm a little bit ornery, my favorite time of day is 11pm, i like to walk really fast and wear stupidly tall shoes, i need to feel heard when i'm feeling frustrated, and i like myself best when i have really obnoxiously long eye lashes. here i am!

welcome, thirties.

you and me are gonna kick some ass.