today i . . .
. . . sat inside a teepee with a two-year-old, a choo choo train, and a dinosaur, and made sound effects for twenty minutes.
. . . bought two packs of hangers and finally organized our coat closet.
. . . read on twitter that today was supposed to be the most depressing day of the year. to which i said, yyyyyyep. (although actually i looked it up, and it's really not until next monday. great.) (that formula halfway down the page though... yep.)
today i . . .
. . . pushed a stroller forty blocks, and ate 7/8ths of a chipotle burrito bowl. that last eighth, man! it escapes me every time!
today i . . .
. . . scheduled an appointment with an infertility therapist. infertility can suck the ever living soul out of you, you know. and then spit it back out on the sidewalk and dance on it. today i decided it was time to take care of myself. did you know there are entire specialists of therapist and psychiatrists who exclusively treat infertility-related emotional side effects? i saw a therapist briefly in idaho in 2009 because 2009 was a beast. it shouldn't be embarrassing to admit you could use someone to talk to. sometimes your friends and husbands can't relate, so you should find someone who can. i mean, it helps.
today i . . .
. . . appreciated the way our new over-dyed threadbare-looking black rug felt under my bare feet. it was 40% off at west elm this weekend, sometimes a good impulse purchase is good for you, that's what i think.
today i . . .
. . . puttered around cleaning up and taking a few photos of the apartment. it's not quite there yet, but i do like how it's coming together.
Natalie, I rarely if ever comment but I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. Although you already have so much love and joy with the two men in your life, I can't imagine it not working out like you want it to. I hope (and know! come on world) that it happens and when it does, it'll all have been for a reason. God, that's the dumbest line but I have to tell myself that all the time so maybe it'll be true for both of us. Much love to you :)
ReplyDeleteI didn't realize infertility induced depression was a thing. It makes so much of my life make sense, suddenly. Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.. and I'd like to say that your apartment is gorgeous. I love all of the little details and patterns that makes it perfect as a whole :) happy tuesday to you! xo
ReplyDeleteps also I'm sorry that people have to hate on blogs? yours is rad. and unique. don't you forget it ;)
sweet post. I love Huck's mesmerized smirk :) (Buzz & Woody 4evah!)
ReplyDeleteinfertility, I could write a book. I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK!
ReplyDeleteI'm in a show next weekend and there is the sweetest little six year old girl singing "Tomorrow" from Annie. I almost die everytime she sings it. It's like my anthem.
Tomorrow! You're always a day away.
Great post, Natalie. Having struggled with infertility, I know it's not an easy road! Good for you for taking care of yourself and your family. And I don't know who's accusing you of copying, but I have never thought that AT ALL, if that helps. Also, I love your apartment. There. I said it. Hope you sleep well. :)
ReplyDeleteOnce again you are so inspiring to me. I'm going through this too - infertility. We had a miscarriage and have been trying ever since and you know? It is the worst. I never thought of seeing therapist but maybe now I will. Today was especially hard for me too. Another friend announced a pregnancy. Im so happy for her but ugh - it hurts me in the worst ways. What an awful friend am I?!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank you. You made today a little less alone.
NOT an awful friend. not even in the slightest. hugs to you, sis.
DeleteThank you for saying that. This is not a fun club to be a member of - but it's nice to have strong ladies like you talking openly about the struggle. Hugs back - and onward to a brighter Tuesday. :)
DeleteHi Kate, you might not see this but I just wanted to say that you should never consider yourself an awful friend, it's hard not to feel like that when someone else has the news you most want for yourself.
DeleteI wish you all the best,
Simone X
thank you, simone! i appreciate that. :)
DeleteYou are so welcome....I spotted your comment & just had to say something. I also meant to say that a good friend would always understand your feelings anyway, never beat yourself up about it. Good luck X
DeleteHi Kate, It's actually brave that you even said it out load about being jealous of a friend for announcing their pregnancy. Almost everyone I know either had a baby within the year or are announcing they are having one and since I am struggling with fertility myself I admit (for the first time openly, not just in my head) that I get jealous of each one. It's kind of nice knowing that others feel the way I do and that I am not a cold hearted person with my feelings. I wish you tons of luck!
Deleteyou are great just the way you are, i so enjoy your honesty. thank you for being so candid, it is greatly appreciated! my heart goes out to you natalie.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I really, truly am. I never struggled with infertility, thank God, but knowing how much I love being a mother, it makes my heart hurt to think of those who do.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure today's not the most depressing day of the year? I haven't felt full-on depressed, but really off my game and kinda generally annoyed. There, an overly confessional type comment.
Hope today is better for you!
My heart is seriously going out to you right now - it's so hard to want something so badly and live in a constant state of...well, not not knowing, but almost unknowing. You have to unknow certain things just to make it through the day, and that's no bueno. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteAw.
ReplyDelete::hug::
I'm really sorry to hear you've been going through this rough patch. Kudos to you for booking yourself in to see the therapist -- God willing it helps you feel better and more like yourself post-haste!
Also? Your apartment? Beautiful.
Ooh!
DeleteI forgot to add, copying WHOM? Pfft! Whatev. You are a wonderful, engaging writer and, to be sure, one of a kind!
I know you're not looking for advice. I know you've heard more than your fair share, but I just can't not say it. Have you read the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility? It's amazing. I know three people personally who've gotten pregnant after ten plus years of infertility and failed treatments. Seriously. I can't promise you anything. Also, after years and years of chiropractic care, I stumbled on the Mecca of chiropractic five years ago. It's called upper cervical specific chiropractic and I won't bore you with details (unless of course you ask) but I swear it's life changing. Life. Changing. It would behoove you to look into it. I asked my doc one time if he'd had any luck with patients getting pregnant after getting under care. He said last year alone he had TWELVE patients get pregnant after they were told they couldn't. TWELVE. If you decide I'm not a freak and I'm not wasting your time, my doc has contacts all over the U.S. and I could ask him for a name and number of a doc in your area. They aren't plentiful and are hard to find.
ReplyDeleteEither way, my heart aches for you and your struggles. I cannot relate, but my husband did have a vasectomy that we regretted. I hoped like mad it didn't work and for months and months would imagine I was pregnant and would be heartbroken when I started. Again, can't relate at all, but I can imagine your pain. I'm so sorry.
read it and loved it and used it to get huck here. we know our problem, it's just a matter of timing and treatments!
DeleteI couldn't even imagine struggling with infertility. I have however, struggled with depression for a long time. I say therapy + medication + loving yourself = the best mama bear you can be. :) I hope everything works out. And remember- if you don't like your first therapist, go to another!! A lot of people feel like they can't leave a therapist they don't like, but it's totally not true. Find one that really understands you and speaks to you. :)
ReplyDeleteThis sentence stuck with me: though i might be able to handle feeling grumpy and moody and anxious and helpless, it's not fair to expect my boys to handle it, too..
ReplyDeleteI read it and thought 'oh.' I'm pretty grumpy. I should take that sentence to heart.
I am so sorry, Nat. I hope that you find help with your therapist. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Same here.
DeleteI always love reading your blog. You and little Henny make for the cutest team, and I KNOW the next little baby Holbrook will come at the perfect time. Bless you and your lovely little life and blog.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record.. bloggers are probably copying YOU, not the other way around. Plus, it seems like all these top bloggers like you, and especially the LDS ones.. Sydney, you, and all the rest, all seem to be friends.
Keep doing what you do.
Hang in there! I spent seven years trying for my first child and infertilit. y induced depression IS real and horrible. It can really get you down. That is great you are seeing a specialized tgerapist. I really wish I had.
ReplyDeleteToday I really needed to hear that someone else is having such a hard time too. It makes me feel a little less lonely in my journey for a babe. Thanks for always being so honest and real.
ReplyDeleteSending you big hugs and lots of prayers for another sweet baby. But in the meantime, it sounds like you are doing the best thing possible. Taking care of yourself, your heart, your emotions... it's so so vitally important and justified. You're very brave to talk to all of us about this, and I hope that in doing so, you're lifted up by the collective virtual hugs, prayers, well-wishes and general affection that is returned to you by your group of loyal readers. Best, best wishes.
ReplyDeleteMan, I really hate that you're going through this.
ReplyDeleteThree cheers for therapy! I am such a control-obsessed human being most of the time that finally admitting that I could use some help was hard for me this spring, but oh did it help. I think it is a sign of a healthy mind that you can tell when you need help and take steps to get it. The unhealthy thing is not to be able to admit you need help, not the needing it in the first place. I had to convince myself of this this winter as I had to go through psychological evaluation for my mission papers--which is nicely dehumanizing--but really, my conclusion has been that it is a good thing and nothing to be ashamed of.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the honesty. I don't have kids yet but it was very inspiring as a human story. Don't let the naysayers get you down - true followers wouldn't criticize in that manner.
ReplyDeleteWe've been struggling for years to get pregnant and what you described so eloquently mirrors exactly what we are going through. Infertility has been such a dark cloud in my life and for some time now, my husband has been encouraging me to go see a therapist. I've been dragging my feet, scared to take that step, and stubborn (and stupid) enough to believe I could somehow overcome all my disappointment, self-doubt and heartbreak on my own. So thank so very, very much for sharing and helping me take that first, small step. Lots of love to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteHang in there sista! Thoughts and prayers go out to you. Stay strong mama!
ReplyDeleteI read you, Taza, and Nie Nie. Judging from the ward Christmas party pictures, I think you and Taza are in the same ward, but yet you both have such unique writing styles. And infertility sucks, big time. I am taking a break after ATTC since May. This is my first cycle we literally are preventing, just to give me some time to heal and prepare emotionally. I hate clomid, I hate everyone's opinion on the selfishness on my part to potentially put others through heart break if I give birth to another baby with issues. Yeah, life is witch sometimes, but I am so grateful for the moments I have and pray that when that baby comes someday, maybe when I am finished with my program I can be healthy, emotionally and physically. Cheering you on here (and I am fairly sure this is my first comment on here, and yet I check in EVERY day, and have since Huck was born.) Love your words, so keep on writing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for always being so inspiring, Natalie. Your Holbrook clan is always in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAnd you have the cutest apartment ever.
BTW, I think I just broadcasted openly, for the first time, that I want another baby. And just because I have a darling adopted and healthy 4 year old, and a miracle 2 year old, does not exclude me from my desire to want more kids. I want the extra blessings. But this little one will have to potentially wait until I am finished with my elementary ed program and my boys are bigger.
ReplyDeleteI had a bad day too. Bad days can suck it. Thank goodness there's always tomorrow. :)
ReplyDeleteCurrently obsessed with your apartment and style! So simplistic and clean.
ReplyDeleteYou're such a trooper and an inspirational one at that. I love how positive you are and continue to be. My heart, positive thoughts, and prayers goe out to you, Natalie! Always. xo
ReplyDeleteLovely pictures. Aw, Huck. You slay me with your cuteness. But, more than that, there is this:
ReplyDeleteyour feelings are 100% valid, and so important. your feelings are important!
True. So, so, SO unbelievably true, no matter what it is that prompts you to seek help (which I commend you for; it's not easy). I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, and I hope your therapist can offer you the tools/support to allow you to feel like yourself again. Remember: the REAL you is still in there somewhere, just slightly covered up for the time being. She'll come back though. And you will be okay, better than okay. ♥
Hey Natalie,
ReplyDeleteI'd just like to say that your blog is my absolute favorite and I read it every day. I saw the comment on instagram from that girl saying you were coping so and so before it got deleted and I'd like to say your blog is absolutely unique and perfect in every way. Like I said-it's my favorite, and I read a lot of blogs.
I just started up a blog and last month this crazy guy commented twice on a post ripping me apart because of a single typo in one post. He said people like me, (students) shouldn't be allowed to be bloggers and I was a disgrace to society etc. etc. I really wanted to cry, in fact, I think I did. But the next day on the same exact post I got a ton of positive comments, thanking me for my blog and I realized that there are always going to be haters who criticize you, even if you're doing the best you can. And as long as we're doing what we love, which is sharing our world with others-we're doing what we're supposed to be.
XO,
Lauren
copying* hah there goes that type again, I'm such a disgrace.
DeleteYou are one amazing lady.
ReplyDeletejust thought i'd comment to impart a vote of confidence. i love your voice on this blog. thought you should know. keep on, lady.
ReplyDeleteYou are great. Really. I love this blog. I love that you just laid it out today. I love how fearless you are in that. You've made a positive difference in a lot of lives. Remember that!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so honest. My husband and I haven't tried to have sweet little bebe's yet, but I have had a lot of close friends struggle with infertility problems. Love from Utah!
ReplyDeletemolly
http://alwaysamrsforeverakidd.blogspot.com
Oh, Natalie! I had never heard that a family is only as happy as the mother, but have been feeling this lately; seeing how my winter funk has been affecting those I love most. Thanks for writing about this. I think you are incredibly wise for seeking help you need to get through this tough struggle with infertility. And also, can I just say that I think you're the best? I have given up on all other blogs in my reader (like, dozens) because I can't stand the staged phoniness any longer. But you...I think I'll read here as long as you're writing here. You're funny! And self-deprecating! And you have opinions! And you can actually write! And you share the imperfect! All while looking wonderful and stylish. And one gets the sense that you care about your readers. And, well, this has really turned into an "Ode to Natalie", hasn't it? Anyway, I hope things are looking up soon. Maybe ask Brandon to bring home some daisies; Kathleen Kelly says they're the happiest flower.
ReplyDeleteLove that you are open about mental health issues. SO SO important to take care of for ourselves and others. Be kind to yourself lady.
ReplyDeleteI really love reading your blog. Although I have very little in common with you in my every day life, I appreciate your heartfelt stories and adorable photos.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I am heartily opposed to your view on "copying." It's called intellectual property. People work incredibly hard on their designs and ideas and deserve at least a modicum of recognition for that, even if it's only in the form of a quick "I liked such and such from so and so, so I've incorporated it into my blog." Especially when it comes to very well known bloggers using ideas from not-so-well known bloggers, which, sadly, we have all seen happen. Wouldn't the world be a much lovelier place anyhow if we all gave credit to those that deserve it? Wouldn't we all be a bit friendlier and willing to help each other out?
In any case, best of luck to you with your infertility struggles. That little Huck is sure a world-class cutie and the world could use a few more like that.
hey babe, cheer up! don't be upset or let all the negativity bring you down. enjoy life with your baby boy and have a great tuesday! :)
ReplyDeleteMy parents struggled with infertility. I still see them grieve over it and it has been 40 years. Their greatest struggle in life has been one of our family's greatest joys because I was adopted. I'm not saying that is your solution, but you are doing a great thing for going to therapy. My parents gave me beautiful people to raise me and love me, but I wish at times they would have gone to therapy to help themselves.
ReplyDeleteI had trouble conceiving my son. He turns 2 in two weeks. We have been trying to get pregnant again for pretty much that amount of time. Every month I won't let myself be upset that I'm still not pregnant. But, it is getting harder to do. I just turned 33. My family has a history of early menopause. Early as in 34 yrs old. I don't want that time to come without another baby. If the Lord only see's fit for me to have Sebastian then we will love him with all our heart and be so grateful we were allowed just one. But, sometimes I want to just fit down and feel the pain of it all. 2 out of my 3 best friends are pregnant again with numbers 3 & 4. I'm super duper happy for them. Even for every other friend that tells me each month they too are having more and more children. But, sometimes I just want to grieve.
ReplyDeleteI won't let myself though. Onward and upward! Here's to making babies!!
Nat, I wonder, aren't you still breastfeeding? It's so normal to not be able to conceive while you are. I had to do clomid for my first too, I'm still nursing her at 16 months, and so far no dice on number two. I'm dying to know if I need another round of clomid, but it's so normal to not conceive while nursing that I'm trying to calm down.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so open and real, you are an inspiring mama, with a son that is too cute for words ;). This post tugs at my heart and hits home a little, so, thank you for sharing. xoxo
ReplyDeleteyou are so right when you say that we are not alone. although, i still find myself reaching, stretching and searching for people who can relate to my situation. we all have our burdens to bear and none of them are easy. i suppose that's why we all need to be kinder to one another in this world. we don't know what other people are going through. you are a sweetheart and i've loved getting to know your cute family through the interwebs the last couple months. :) keep on keeping on mama. best, jaana
ReplyDeletehttp://www.thismomsgonnasnap.com
You're a star, Natalie, don't ever forget that! Hormones, whether you're PMSing or otherwise (fingers always crossed), can make everything look gloomier. So far I've been lucky in the having babies department, but now I'm almost 37 I don't know how easy it will still be to conceive (we might try for no. 3). You're still so young and the same way Huck joined your family, so will his sibling, I'm so sure of it.
ReplyDeleteOn an unrelated note, I had voted against the black carpet on IG but must say it looks great in your apartment. I love everything about your place! Have a great Tuesday! x
Natalie, your openness if truly inspiring. I cannot relate to you in the infertility part of your post. I'm 21 and its not quite time for babies yet. But I can understand the depression. I've actually made the decision recently to seek therapy too. Sometimes you have to remember how big of a role your mental health plays in your life and the relationships you share with others. In the last two years, my parents divorced (this is actually a good thing because my father was abusive), we went down to one income only, then my Mom lost her job, and my health went down hill. (Something that still is a head scratcher for us. I am seeing a new doctor this week to see if he can help me.) Its been stressful and I have the habit of trying to take care of it all by myself, not sharing it with anyone. I started feeling severely depressed in December and I realized I may not be as "ok" as I've always thought. Sometimes its hard for me to admit I need some help. I hope that things get better for you, and that you keep your strength and feel better after seeking help too. Huck needs a happy mama. Even if you think he doesn't notice, I'm sure he can feel your sadness. Lots of love to you & your family. XO
ReplyDeleteP.S. Sorry for the rant! Just wanted you to know this post couldn't have come at a better time for me. I'll take it as a sign. ;)
I love how you shared these little details of your day. I like that each post is very much you, but still a little different from the next.
ReplyDeleteTheresa
http://bomamma.blogspot.com
i've loved your blog for a million years now because, as most would agree... though you have the most adorable life that anyone from Cincinnati could ever dream of, you openly write about things that have you frazzled or frustrated... but in the most tactful way ever. (kudos to your classy self!) i read plenty of blogs that take gorgeous photos and write cute stories, but your blog combines such a beautiful mix of the perfect (that we all want) and the not so perfect (the things that many of us face) those are the things that people need to see and hear. it's not the things that come at you in life, it's the way you get through them. i have a tattoo on my arm that says "you can't stand up without falling down first" and to me, it just means that it's so much more rewarding to get things after having to wait for them *like that precious little Huck of yours!* always in my thoughts, prayers, and at the top of my blog pile to read!!! love from Ohio!!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great post! I agree about copying and think it is such a tricky issue. For example me and you have the same rocker and same IKEA sheepskin. so I could take a photo just like yours (in fact a few months back I did) so how can it be proved? I think it's best to just ignore what others say and do and shut out negativity
ReplyDeleteOn that note, it's SO none of my business, but why not be happy with one wonderful, amazing baby and fully embrace the here and the now and not out pressure on yourself for another?
Anyway. Keep up your beautiful, sassy writing.
Be well dear heart.
ReplyDeleteI am very happy for you getting help like that. And for sharing it so others don't feel alone. That's really huge. Thank you.
Also-hope this isn't too flippant but egg and cheese bagels? I need to know more-how are the eggs done? Is it like an omelette? What kind of cheese? May I request photos and directions please?
In NYC, the two things that changed (and saved) my life: the Paradox Process and Ziva Meditation. Paradox (which is where I go to therapy) honest to goodness did things for me, and endless others, including moms and dads and all sorts of folks, that I could not have imagined. Ziva was the icing on the cake. Therapy should be a celebrated thing, not something we are all slightly shameful or secretive about. Just living in NYC alone should require all of us to have therapists. Jokes aside, hands down, the BEST decision I ever made was to set that first appointment. Otherwise, I'll also offer the advice that changing my diet also changed how I felt mentally and emotionally. I'm more than certain you've already heard/known this, since you are a wise woman surrounded by wise people :) Nothing but love and admiration for you, miss Natalie :)
ReplyDeleteI wish you luck with your fertility issues and the therapy, what you are going through must be incredibly challenging....I've only just started reading your blog and had no idea, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI find your blog and your writing highly original....and cannot imagine how anyone can criticise you. Oh well, haters gonna hate.
I LOVE your photos....love the white lampshade (is it Ikea?). My favourite photo is the one of your son watching the iPad with his drinks & stuff lined up, my son is exactly the same even at the age of 7!!
I really enjoyed this post and wish you well, Simone XX
Like most of your posts about infertility i'm left crying, but in the way that I think you only feel when you are going through it). That moment where (even though you've felt it so many times before) that although you feel utterly alone and like you are the only barren woman on the planet, you AREN'T alone. yesterday was an especially bad day and today it continued, so anxious my hands were shaking and I could hardly breathe. Your post was probably exactly what I needed for firstly, not feeling alone and secondly, that I need and really should get some help... because it's ok to ask for help.
ReplyDeleteThanks natalie x
I'm a silent reader of your blog, but today I feel compelled to comment because this post struck a chord. The way you are as a mother is truly inspiring, and not just when life is all happiness and sunshine (although I love your happy, silly posts).
ReplyDeleteI had trouble conceiving, and I'd been living with depression for a long time before that. My daughter is 8 months now; the depression and anxiety still come and go. It's hard to mother her the way I know she deserves when I'm far down a black hole of despair for no good reason and I can't even see the light, even though I know it's there. I'm still trying to figure out my way of balancing her needs and mine, and I admire you for finding yourself help and in that way, taking such good care of your boys. It's so much harder to open up about the less-than-perfect aspects of our lives, so thank you for sharing. You don't know me, but today, you've spoken to my soul.
I wish you luck and good health dealing with your fertility issues. <3
So brave of you to share your feelings about infertility. I had to wait a long time for my daughter and I will never forget how that made me feel. It hurts and stings like nothing else. So glad you're taking care of yourself! I wish you all the best!
ReplyDeleteBest wishes Joan
First off, you are my favorite blog because off your quick wit and great humor. You are slowly bringing me over to the 'arrows on everything' side of life too, by the way. And if someone is gonna be a blog Nazi and police your posts, well, they need a new hobby. I love your views on things. Keep on being Natalie. You are inspirational.
ReplyDeleteYou are the best...and I'm also pms'ing so somehow our cycles have synched! This makes me happy, because in my (twisted) mind we are best friends...lol.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. I too suffered with infertility for 5 years. It was the most overwhelming time, physically and mentally. From 'you will never have children' to scheduling the removal of my right ovary. I wanted a child of my own so badly and when it wasn't happening, I was losing myself. God healed my body and God blessed me with an amazing daughter, who is now 2. I am beyond grateful to have her little soul in my posession to love and raise. I guess what I am trying to say to you is, I was never complete until I was complete in, with and through God. Then I knew whatever his plan was, I was ready because he was with me. 13 months after my daughter was born, competely unexpectedly and by truly an act of a mirace, we conceived our precious baby boy. God can do impossible things. I pray you find that stillness and comfort that only he can provide.
ReplyDeleteThe part about blogging and copying. Ughhh! As a fellow blogger I completely feel ya. Sometimes it is good to write those types of posts out even if you do delete them. It's kinda therapeutic IMO even if you don't hit "publish."
ReplyDeleteWow what a honest, open, and heartfelt post about so much. It was raw and funny and individual and universal. Thank you. P.S. I am obsessed with your blog. I check it everyday because frankly I think you are awesome and you have inspired me to write too. A second thank you!
ReplyDeleteOoh de lally, ooh de lally, golly what a day. Here's to help and support and many more excellent things for you, lady, you deserve them.
ReplyDeleteAnd as an overwhelmed mama-to-be, I look forward to the stroller post. I am at the end of my tether trying to choose one!
i've been reading your blog for forever, natalie. And I've been struggling now with infertility. We have one amazing, blessed boy Maxwell who's now three. And boy, when folks say I should feel blessed with what I have, don't I know it. And I am. But that doesn't make the hurt of making our little family feel complete any less. It's so so painfully hard - and I totally hear your sweet husband about you being his sun. It's a hard line - it feels like I'm a burden sometimes to my boys because I'm going through something they can't understand (as hard as my guy does). I know that I control the happiness factor, and that's a burden to me. I'm glad you're going to see someone. There are no fertility related psychologists in my area (Maine!!), but I think a general one would do me some good. What are the meds you speak of? I've always been a member of la leche league and lots of Mamas talk about taking zoloft, though recently i've seen terrifying ads on tv about the dangers of it while pregnant and nursing. I nursed our little bugger for over two years (and became pregnant at that time but miscarried...) I did hear from a couple people that nursing can change your luteal phase but I'm not sure I buy that. Anywho... long time reader just babbling here. Sending positive energy your way Mama. Julia
ReplyDeleteI have a little girl born October 2010. Hoping for a little sibling sometime soon. Here's hoping its a fruitful year for us both. Xx
ReplyDeleteGreat blog! I have a stroller problem too-we ended up with so many that one was stolen and I didn't even realise for a month! Yikes!
ReplyDeletewww.samandasha2.blogspot.co.uk
My thoughts are with you, Natalie! I recently had a miscarriage and it's hard to stay positive when you're mourning such a loss. I imagine that infertility can feel similarly - like an ongoing state of mourning. Wishing you well and, like everyone before, saying thank you for such a candid post.
ReplyDeleteYour little apartment makes me want to move to New York City. It's so cozy and perfect. Huck is adorable. I have a little guy half his age and i can only hope he turns out to be just as cute and cuddly as Huck.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I saw your instagram photo of all your strollers. I'm envious, and cant wait to hear how you managed to swing a Bugaboo Chameleon as a GIFT! Why do momma's love strollers so much? It's still a mystery to me, but they're honestly waaaaayyy up there on my list.
ah, i just love you and this ol blog. so honest and so unpretentious. please - ignore the haters. there will always be trolls, you can't stop them from cowering behind their keyboards and writing hateful things to stir the pot. so just focus on all the love you get from this blog instead.
ReplyDeleteYour apartment looks charming! And truth be told I HAVE drawn inspiration from some of your posts for my little private family blog, and I certainly hope that doesn't make me less of a person! There's no reason why we can't all be inspired by each other anyway (and impossible not to if we expose ourselves to anything but our own tiny brains). I think you are a gifted writer, and I admire your ability to be so frank and honest about your life with people you don't even know. I know I couldn't.
ReplyDeleteYou're fabulous. In every single way. Is it weird that every time you say you're coming to Portland I secretly in my head think 'I hope I run into Nat the Fat Rat at Target'? It probably is. I don't know about infertility but I do know about depression and the toll it can take on you and your family and I do hope that you get to a happy place again real soon. Now, go buy yourself something pretty.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading for a while now, but rarely comment. I really appreciated this very honest post, and definitely feel for you and your struggle. I realized recently that I haven't been myself either and my boys are noticing it as well. No wonder my little man has more smiles for his dada than his mama. You have reminded me that it's okay to seek out treatment and that there are alternatives to feeling like this... that first step is just always so hard, even when you've been there before.
ReplyDeleteI rarely comment, but this post really pushed me to. Maybe it's silly, but I think of us as friends, even though it's a one-way street with me reading all about your life that you put out on the internet. I have so many lovely friends who have struggled with infertility. It breaks my heart. I can't say I know exactly how you're feeling, but I still feel for you. I know what you mean though, struggling through with your own feelings & not necessarily realizing how that affects those in your life.
ReplyDeleteI lost my train of thought. I think you're great. Have a great day. (:
I'm so glad you wrote about therapy so candidly, and I'm so glad you are taking care of yourself! I think that as women we tend to internalize a lot of our problems, which usually only wears us down. I've been seeing a therapist for about three months because I had been feeling anxious and kind of depressed for no real reason. I can't even describe how much it has helped. Being able to sit with a third party and really dig into the issues you've been facing is just so cathartic. I hope you feel better soon! I'm pulling for you :)
ReplyDeleteSarah
http://teslaandmav.blogspot.com/
I had a long struggle with infertility as well. Our journeys are unique, so I can't say I know exactly what you are going through but I know it is incredibly difficult and your feelings are completely valid.
ReplyDeleteBlessings.
This and you is what's right with blogging amidst all that's wrong. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteNatalie: thanks for writing this, and for being so open about your journey. My heart goes (I almost said "grows," but that's true, too!) out to you, Brandon & Huck for what you've been through and are going through, and I'm so glad you have such supportive people in your life to help you through it. Though I haven't struggled with infertility or infertility-related depression, I had terrible PPD/PPA after my daughter was born, and finally reaching out and getting some help has been the greatest blessing I could have imagined. Hang in there -- you're in our thoughts & we hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeletei haven't been reading your blog that long but i wanted to comment and say that i completely love reading about your life, thoughts and happenings. you seem so real. in today's world that characteristic is lacking. so thank you. i have a friend dealing with infertility as well and just started counseling. it's been making a difference in her life! i hope that you find some of the healing and comfort you're looking for. also, your apartment is beyond awesome.
ReplyDeleteThis time of year is when I feel most depressed in general, it's definitely the low time. Good for you mama taking care of yourself! Feel better soon- and I cannot wait for this stroller post. I've been needing a good authority on which one to buy.
ReplyDeleteI love hanging out with you on this blog so I really hope that as frustrating as blogger politics and "haters" can be that you can ignore them and know that a lot of us are really enjoying our time here :) Also, keeping my fingers crossed really, really hard that there is another one just around the corner for you.
ReplyDeleteYour post has inspired me to drink more Diet Dr. Pepper (so good), eat a cheese/egg bagel (yes!), and maybe just maybe seek therapy. (Full Disclosure: I’ve been dealing with secondary infertility for two years now. Next month I’m going to try IVF for the first time – scary and exciting!). So here’s to the infertility club, cheers to you all! If only we could gather for a proper drink. Until then, think fertile thoughts…and maybe chant some ommmmmms (couldn’t hurt).
ReplyDeletei like you ornery and i like you silly. as for people barking about copying, hello we are human, of course we are going to have overlapping experiences. i hope you keep just being you.
ReplyDeleteand as for next monday being depressing, we need to rise up against it. it is MLK day, that should mean something. and it is the 1st of my two birthdays. my second is the next day...long story.
I too like you ornery as well as hilarious. I like you because you are honest and I can appreciate that. I would have liked to read about the whole "copying" thing because I do at times feel like I am looking at the same stuff on different blogs and it gets repetitive and annoying but I continue to read the blogs. So it is what it is. I hate to ask you but I have kids who like to rock so at risk of appearing to be a fangirl, where is that child rocking chair from? And are those alphabet letters supposed to stick on the wall or did you just tape them like that? My kids' walls are way too bare but me and framed pictures/posters do not go together. I need an alternative. Anyway I can't wait to read about the strollers -- I've had 2 travel systems, 3 umbrellas (2 Maclarens) and 3 double strollers. Right now we're down to one Maclaren umbrella and 1 Phil/Ted double stroller. And KUDOS to you for seeing a therapist. I am hard-clapping you for wanting to take care of yourself inside and out. You rock salt!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your infertility story. My husband and I have been trying for almost a year and a half for our first child. All of our tests have come back a-ok! While I'm thankful that we are both healthy, it's so frustrating not to have answers. More than once, I have read your past posts on infertility and they have given me so much hope! Good luck to you and your beautiful family!
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so honest about your struggles and for seeking out therapy. So, so brave of you. De-stigmatizing depression (and all mental illness) is so important, and you are helping to do just that. Bravo. I hope you have success with therapy and I hope happier days are ahead. You seem like the sweetest person in the world who deserves loads of happiness.
ReplyDeleteYou are so wonderful. So many people who have never met you appreciate your kind words and sweet insights. You're very brave, and a lot of women need to see that bravery for someone. I think it's amazing that you are so open and honest. And we've also all got your back. We see a lot of ourselves as women in what you're going through; a lot of us have already been through, are going through, or will go through it soon. I think it's wonderful that you share it here on your blog.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it really sucks to be the poster girl for something no one would choose. I've received countless--countless!!!--blessings for depression (my constant companion since I was five, thanks) and especially PPD, and every time (EVERY TIME) I've been told, not that it'll be taken away (oh, no!), but that I'm supposed to have these struggles because I'll be able to turn and help others in ways no one else can. Can I say how much I DO NOT WANT this burden?!? I've struggled not to feel angry at God for this--He could swoop down in a moment's notice and take it all away! Haven't I learned my lesson yet?! Does He hate me? But then, every so often, a little glimmer comes that helps me realize that the Atonement was the Savior taking on my struggles so He could turn and comfort me. And when I was baptized, I promised to share His burden, which in part is learning from my own trials how to have compassion for others' suffering. And oh my gosh, it sucks sometimes. (All the time.) But in a very, very small way I'm beginning to understand the Atonement a little more, and to understand how weaknesses and trials can help comfort others. You bring a lot of hope and comfort to people struggling with similar burdens--something you might not have been able to had the past years not been so hard. I hope miracles come your way soon! Believe it or not, since Eliza was born, I haven't felt any darkness. I don't know why I've been spared this time--but I finally feel the happiness that comes when a new baby is in the house. And I didn't think that would ever happen to me. I hope you and Brandon get to share good news of your own soon.
ReplyDeletei know, right!? why can't i be the poster girl for hotties instead? ;)
DeleteI am sorry it's been so rough. from my own experience (and this is just me- not trying to compare) going to see a therapist was the beginning of a slow but long recovery. I think without seeing the woman I saw, I would never have been able to get out of the slump I was in. I say slump, but really it was a devastating time of life for me. Not that I have it all figured out now, but I am happier than I ever have been and really my life is lovely. It was hard, but she helped me along. Good luck to you and lots of love.
ReplyDeletexo
I'm a therapist, and I so so appreciate you for being honest about your struggles and how totally ok it is to seek help. I read your blog all the time, but rarely comment - but I wanted to throw my two cents in here with everyone else, thanking you for being you. I also struggle with depression and anxiety (it's the air I breathe), and I now how important it is not to add insult on top of injury when it comes to our own attitudes toward ourselves and our struggles. I wish you all the best in your journey :-) You deserve it.
ReplyDeletei barely even know you, natalie, but i love you :) your blog makes me smile and brightens my day and if i can somehow bring a smile to one person's face like you've brought one to mine then my life is complete! thank you.
ReplyDeletexo, sarah
p.s. Copying? Seriously? The Muses, the nine daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus, ewere the goddesses of the inspiration for art, literature, and the sciences. People prayed to them for help. (Thank you, humanities degree and dictionary.com.) Nearly every famous writer and artist for centuries has had a muse to inspire them to create (though it could be argued that many of these muses were just an excuse for a smoking hot affair). Everyone takes inspiration from the people and things around them. If this weren't true, then Pinterest would cease to exist. Ignore the critics.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and happiness. I know you'll get through this, and I love that you're honest and open enough to share your struggles. You're amazing. I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for 'copying'? You're an original through and through girl. We wouldn't keep coming back if you weren't.
All I can say is thank you. Thank you for being you and for being so brave and so honest. From a sister who knows the pain of infertility and miscarriages, thank you!
ReplyDeleteI would have loved to read your thoughts on the copying fiasco. I caught the banter on IG during a fit of insomnia and just thought it was ridiculous. Sometimes I want to shoot back factitious responses to them (especially on Rockstar/Taza/Naomi's feed, I am in awe with her grace when it comes to her followers.) but then I have to remind myself that factitious connotations do not translate into text and I would probably only cause more drama by it. Tons of my friends and I have the same scarf/necklace/shirt/sweater that we individually bought at different times. It happens, you laugh if you show up at the same event wearing it, and you move one. But to call it copying? Pah-lease, it's not even!
ReplyDeleteOn a separate note, I love how honest you are about such a difficult issue. I can only imagine how much help your words are to those who are going through similar issues. Stay strong and keep positive! They say that those who struggle the most get the best rewards and I understand I've never met Huck, but he appears to be a pretty amazing reward for all your struggles.
First time comment :) BUT, after 7 years of trying to get pregnant, adopting our older daughter domestically, finding out SURPRISE we were pregnant with our second daughter 6 weeks after adopting, having two children 9 1/2 months apart and then getting pregnant after my husbands vasectomy..hello I am supposed to be infertile?
ReplyDeleteI now truly believe anything can happen and will :)
Your post brings me right back to the infertility almost decade tho, it never really goes away...it's just so hard.
My thoughts and prayers are with you..
today i... appreciate your honesty and bravery, because it's not just your two soldiers... it's all of us. we've missed you, too.
ReplyDeleteThis post is so real and fresh. I have not started to get pregnant yet or have ever been pregnant so I can not imagine the feeling of infertility and the pain it can bring along with it. I can understand though as women, pregnancy is one of those things that (even if you deny yourself and say you don't want children ever) we all deep down desire and "think" that it is what makes us women. It is not. We can be mothers to all those around us. Mother figures and care givers. You are so blessed to have your sweet baby boy, and I pray and wish you all the luck to find happiness and the thing you desire most in this world when the time is right in God's hands.
ReplyDeleteAs for blogging, I have emailed you about this before and you gave such great advice then and now. Blogging can never be taken seriously (even if it is ones profession). Blogging just really is an open diary for everyone to hear and comment on. But what really matters is YOUR thoughts, experiences, etc. It does not matter what others have to say about your life and what you write about because they aren't doing it or experiencing it. Only you. Because of your email and even this post I have too just come to laugh at the negativity. And really, in general, steer clear of looking and reading those negative comments. There is enough negativity and tragedy happening in this world for us to worry about what someone who does not know you has to say.
Just keep rockin' on girl, and always look forward with positivity, love, enlightenment, and the pure knowledge of knowing what this world is really about - growing and becoming the best versions of ourselves through every trial and happy moment in our lives.
xo TJ
Thank you so much for your honesty. You're awesome.
ReplyDeleteI have to ask because I'm obsessed, where are your pants from? I'm dying for a pair!
Glad to hear you're taking care of yourself. Good luck! (that baby will come at the right time :)
ReplyDeleteI feel bad now that you've said this...I never thought you would try to be like anyone else or "copy" anyone but I did start to fear that "blogger fame" would turn you into a "blogger zombie" and you'd start phoning it in with posts that have no real opinions or feelings or substance (because even your olden-day posts about granola bars had substance!)...
ReplyDeleteWhich I actually kind of get, if a blogger depends on sponsors for income and sponsors depend on readership, well...
I don't think a lot of people probably don't think about it like that, or they're jealous that you get paid to do rad stuff and stay home with your kid.
...but then you go and write a post like this and that raw, unbridled honesty that people love you for is still there (not to mention the ornery-ness) and I feel bad that I doubted you for even a second.
I don't understand infertility but I understand depression and it is HARD. Good for you for doing what you need to do for you and haters to the left!
Ps, I have a level 2 girl crush on you.
i really appreciate this comment, because it's been hard navigating the "taking advantage of opportunities" while balancing the "not selling out" and i've passed on an awful lot of opportunities at my own expense to keep my readers happy. my voice is always going to be here, i promise, and i do get frustrated when long time readers express momentary frustration over one post or another. i want you all to see the big picture with me! i always hold my breath when i take on sponsored clients because i'm afraid my readers will lose faith or turn on me. but i mean, i'm here for the long haul to do this blog MY way. i won't "blogger zombie" on you guys and i hope you all know that and can have a little faith in me! :) so thank you for this sweet comment. i won't let ya down!
Deletelove to you lady. I can't imagine dealing with the weight of infertility issues--especially not during the winter when it's a little harder with the cold and gray. I appreciate your honesty in sharing, and I bet it helps those other mamas/ladies struggling as well. I just think you're kind of swell.
ReplyDeleteP.p.s.: I feel silly saying it sometimes, but you are a big part of what pulled me out of the biggest, longest, depressive funk of my whole life. Reading your struggles in Idaho and how you coped with your snark and Meg Ryan movies and long runs wherein you had time to ponder the state of the world and converse with farm animals...you inspired me to take control of how I feel, take control of bad days and to openly admit what I want in life and not be afraid to say that I want something. You also, for what it's worth, inspired me to start going back to the LDS church. I was baptized in the church but had kind of been at odds with the faith for a number of years. But you and pretty much every other Mormon I know (as if I know you, ha) paint marriage and motherhood in such a beautiful and positive light and family is put ahead of everything else and I just wasn't seeing that anywhere else. So many people treat marriage and kids like a prison sentence. I love my red-bearded lover and all of our crazy kids, even if they don't ever let me sleep! Thank you for making me believe in happiness and marriage and Mormons and well, me again. To me you're not the poster child for infertility or even LDS, you're the poster child for positivity! Even when you're not feeling yourself and you're grouchy, your humor shines through. So...there's that!
ReplyDeleteyou are too sweet, thank you for these comments!
DeleteGeez. So thankful for you and those who are courageous enough to be authentic in a sometimes suffocating blog bubble where people compete to be shiny. I for one find am thankful you share your gift of writing with us all. You are one of the lonely few I make the time to read.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel the wave of support and love from all of us!
thank you for this beautifully honest post. you don't need to pour your heart out like that but it is SO refreshing to read a blog with an honest voice. life isn't always happy and perfect and you are one of those rare bloggers that comes across human and completely relatable. good for you for being so brave and i'm glad you're getting the help that you need. you are so right, a family is only as happy as its mama!
ReplyDeleteNatalie, today has been a terrible day for me as well. that whole 'worst day of the year thing' CHYEAH. i'm thinking it's true. anywhoodle, i cannot imagine the powerlessness, sadness, and frustration over infertility. but i do applaud you for facing it HEAD ON and even talking about it freely on your blog! i'm so so happy you've chosen to try therapy. i took 8 solid months of therapy a few years ago and i find myself referencing it almost every day. i hope that you find what you need, there.
ReplyDeletewhile infertility is one thing, GIRL, being a blogger is another. after reading the vitriol that comes out from readers, i cannot imagine the hurt you feel at times from what people spew at you. i CANNOT imagine ignoring it, either! i'm always so impressed by your poise and thoughtfulness in how you approach EVERYTHING. keep your perspective!! it's something you will always be able to control when everything feels out of control.
keep it up, lady. you're an inspiration to us all, on many many levels, in ways you'll never understand.
THANK YOU.
I LOVE reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteWhere are those fabulous headphones on Hucks bed from? My toddler is OBSESSED with listening to my iPod but the earbuds are just not cutting it for him, and he gets so frustrated.
AHHH where did you get those headphones on Hucks bed? My 21 month old is OBSESSED with listening to iPods right now and the little ear buds are not working out for him!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love reading your blog. It makes me feel good knowing I'm not the only one in the world completely obsessed with my babies. :)
we got them at the apple store, but they're also on amazon HERE
DeleteFabulous! Thank you!
DeleteAlso, thank you for having a blog where you're honest, and real, and down to earth. You're an inspiration, especially after this post, and writing about being there for your family even through being down. I know it's not the same thing but we lost our first baby in 2010 after we were blessed with 18 days with him and sometimes I'm just really severely down about it, and don't want to even get out of bed thinking about him, and who he'd be today. But reading today made me realize it's okay to be sad by him not being here but I need to step up and take care of my mister and my boys that are here in the flesh, who depend on me, and needing a little help getting back to being my best doesn't make me a bad mom or wife. This post was like the answer to a prayer, in a place I would have never expected to find a prayer answered. :)
this post was SO needed today. ahh. so thankful you wrote it. thank you for being honest about life--something many people fail to do (or can't do out of fear, i guess). i feel the same way sometimes about this blogging world too, no one's contribution is less than any other's, and as a mostly women's platform, we should all be supporting and encouraging each other, finding strength in each other. there are too many things and people out there already against us, i truly believe it would be more uplifting and worthy to find solace through each other on this blogosphere. instead, sometimes it becomes a means for belittling, bullying and ignorance. oh, authenticity, come back to us haha...
ReplyDeletelove your blog.
xo,
kristyn
Hi Natalie!
ReplyDeleteI'm a new reader, I just discovered your blog and I really love this post. You're so honest and down to earth. Can't wait to read more :)
When I first discovered your blog I read all the archives and really liked them. But in the past few months I haven't been much of a fan and have been reading less. But I've really liked your entries lately...the two today and the one with your wedding album, etc. I like them way better than your sponsored posts, giveaways, and political tweets. I like it when you write like this.. sincere and genuine. I also really like it when you show your humor (like with the strollers!) So keep it up! And I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings about me being less of a fan for a bit...just sharing my personal preference. Anyway I think it's wonderful that you're able to share such personal things. Good luck with therapy and everything.
ReplyDeleteHi Nat,
ReplyDeleteI just had to comment tonight as I think God pointed me to this very blog post when I needed it the most. I am walking this infertility thing with you, every step of the way. My son, Cruz, is almost exactly the same age as your Huck and I'm convinced they would be the best of friends. Every disappointing month that goes by, every month that he gets a little older, I get so sad that I can't give him a new brother or sister. I thought it would be easier this time, but it almost hurts worse. It's such a frustrating, disappointing, helpless cycle.
I have a blog, too, but haven't found the courage to write about it openly. Maybe this month I will. In the meantime, I thank you for your courage, for your amazing ability to express such complex feelings in such a real and honest way, and for inspiring me every day.
Your friend from far away,
Ashley
I have a blog, too, but haven't written openly about this yet.
Wonderful post! I caught the whole "copying" thing on IG the other day and was chuckling over the whole thing. The whole thing was really bizarre. I guess some people have nothing better to with their time that to imagine that some bloggers are copying each other. Geez!
ReplyDeleteI hope that things start looking up for you soon! Wishing you lots of happiness and lots of babies!
Hi. I hope this is not the most depressing day of the year because it is my birthday!
ReplyDeleteHave a good day.
Elise
i'm glad you're part of my world, natalie holbrook. you're a good apple.
ReplyDeleteLong-time reader, first-time commenter. I just love your blog and look forward to every new post. You should never feel badly for taking advantage of opportunities. The opportunities are there because you're so good at what you do. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou're wanting another baby? My Blog
ReplyDeleteWhat the Holbs said about you was the sweetest thing. Shine on Natalie!
ReplyDeleteI apologize if this is a duplicate but I can't help but to echo how wonderful of a blogger you are. You have inspired to keep on with blogging and to not give up hope in the "I" department. With great courage and example, you are AMAZING. My apologies if I freaked ya out when I ran into you at Chubby's. I really wanted to say how bad @$$ I thought you were but because I had the sniffles, I knew Id frighten ya. LOL You are one of my all-time fav bloggers and I wish you can feel all the love and support from your readers. I'm not going to pretend and say infertility is awesome or suck, that is up to you how to receive it but no doubt you can do hard things. Sounds cliche I know but it is true! YOU GOT THIS SISTUH GURL!!! p/s: please write something on this bs about copying other bloggers and all it's nonsense. don't let people try to walk on ya everrrrr. huzzah! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI just want to let you know how much I love your writing. I love how open and honest you are. It's because of people like you that make other people feel less alone and at times give them a voice. While I may not be struggling with what you are, I have had my own struggles with a miscarriage that is still difficult at times to talk about. Thank you for having the courage to discuss things that some people have trouble talking about. Thank you for being "real". You're one of my favorite bloggers! I hope you start to feel better soon!
ReplyDeletexo
Rachel
Beaming feel good vibes from England.
ReplyDeleteThis post really spoke to me. I have PCOS, it will happen at some point, its just every month your own body betrays you.... At no point has anyone/Dr ever spoken to me about the depression and the dark side of all of this. Thank you for writing about it, I will now investigate this.
People are so judgemental and say so many hurtful things with out knowing your struggle or your families story. Or when they say how fed up they are or over run with children. and they say you can have my 2 youngest if you want them. Sometimes I want to shock them and say, "ok drop them off, I would love to have them". But I just smile and give a little nod, whilst inside another little bit of me is chipped off.
I love reading your blog. The pictures of you out and about, just having a drink etc. You write so clearly, and paint such a good picture.
I hope you are feeling more of yourself soon.
Sol
This may not be the forum, but I see a lot of comments along the lines of "Because I struggle with infertility, no one should come to me with problems about their kids. They should be GRATEFUL for those problems and just shut up!" I completely agree that sensitivity is majorly in order. But this world is full of suffering, and our own trials should deepen our compassion for the sorrow of others, not lead us to believe our pain trumps all. I did not have trouble getting pregnant, but after two of my girls were born, I felt a darkness so complete I could barely care for them. I spent the following year after each birth struggling to meet my girls' basic needs while feeling almost no connection to them. I felt a devastating sense of isolation, fear, anxiety, self-loathing, depression, and thoughts of suicide with no family and few friends. The only women who didn't recoil when I reached out were those who were much older than me. And it was hard to reach out while knowing no "normal" mother should feel the way I did, which left me feeling a horrible sense of shame, as though somehow postpartum depression was my fault. No one who experiences PPD should be told she should feel grateful that at least she has a kid. She should be shown s much love and compassion as someone whose arms are aching for a baby. I learned all this from my sweet SIL, who struggled through two years of unexplained infertility, clomid, and failed IVF. When her in was born, she too struggled with serious depression and isolation, and she understood that, as much as she'd longed for her son, it didn't erase the struggles that came with a new baby. She is an incredibly compassionate person to people struggling with infertility as well as people with depression and problems with their kids because she understands that pain and sorrow is universal and that everyone carries a secret heartache.
ReplyDeleteExcuse my weird typos--I have a possessed iPad.
DeleteSending you good feelings from New Mexico!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had something profound to say or could offer you comforting advice, but I know both of those probably wouldn't help you out. I can tell you that I love reading about your thoughts and life. I've been a faithful reader for several years, but I think lately your blog has really helped me out. I got married in September and moved from Austin, Texas to the middle of nowhere New Mexico, where my husband has a job. I have been struggling to find beauty/good things out here, but your Idaho Natalie posts help me so much. Those posts are great for reminding me to find beauty in my everyday life and to search for fun things. Don't sit at home and mope around. Get out there, make friends with giant dogs, drink giant cokes and forget you live in the most boring place in America. Thank you for writing.
i am a new reader. I just wanted you to know that I have a really, really hard job working at a rape crisis center and counseling kids who have been victims of child sexual abuse. But whenever I need to feel better I read your blog. And I remember that life is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI understand your feelings completely. What helped me conceive and my mental health was acupuncture. It was awesome. You have to find the right acupuncturist for you but when you do it feels like magic. Both my husband and I went, I hope you will give it some thought. I wish you an abundance happiness.
ReplyDeleteLove what Brandon said about seasonal affective disorder. You are the sun to so many people (as evidenced by your loving, supportive base of blog readers!) and I think that everything you said in this blog post was really brave and important for people to hear. Go you!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your honesty about everything. It's refreshing. And also, you should know that you are a WONDERFUL mother to cute little Huck. Well done - your boys are lucky to have you. Things always work out (eventually), but unfortunately not always on our timetable. I guess that's where we need to have faith and get the help we need to keep going.
ReplyDeletewell.. all the way down here. I just want to say I feel you. I stopped blogging because all I could think of was "why am I not pregnant yet.. whining is all I want to do so how can I possibly lift my readers when I'm so down!"
ReplyDeleteI did research once and found that the level of depression in infertile women is the SAME as those doing chemo. Seriously. It's horrid. I'm glad you're getting some help. I hope you get another cutie on the way.
Can I also say that the more personal posts are a breath of fresh air in what seems to become more of a fashion blog (without sounding uber rude or ungrateful)? I adore hearing from YOU! thanks for still doing that sometimes :)
I clicked through to comment and I'm not sure why.
ReplyDeleteI think mostly it was to say, hey, thanks for that. I started reading your blog about 6 months before you announced the conception of Huck. For us, this year will mark 4 years of ttc and 8 years of marriage. I always remember the line in that post about not stopping trying once. Or something much more articulate. I try to do that. Not give up, keep looking for my answer and to have my questions answered. Thank you for that. xo
You're lovely.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm sure you know these things by now, or someone has told you, but since you never reference what I am about to write, just wanted to make sure:
ReplyDelete- First, if you are in the process of weaning, that can have a drastic effect on your mood. I am not trying to diminish your anxiety etc - definitely not - but since you haven't mentioned that weaning your baby could be a factor... it really could be! I nursed my daughter for 15 months, and my doctor said that it was normal to experience changes in mood, as well as other symptoms (such as losing hair) at every nursing "change" interval... If that makes sense. I felt different for awhile when she started eating a lot of solids and nursed less (6-7 months), when I drastically cut back the nursings (1 year) and I even felt different (everywhere!) when we stopped for good at 15 months, even though we had gone down to just one nursing sesh a day. You are going to feel more like yourself again in about 2-3 months after you wean completely.
- Nursing can really effect your fertility! Probably TMI, but I am going to go for it: nursing can cause vaginal dryness, and even the SLIGHTEST amount of vaginal dryness can effect how well sperm can navigate through the mucus to where they need to be. After you wean, (again, even ONE nurse/day can effect it!) there is going to be a hormonal shift in your body, and conception may be more conducive at that time. I am sure you have read it, but here: http://www.amazon.com/Taking-Charge-Fertility-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0060881909/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1358576873&sr=8-1&keywords=toni+weschler
I have luckily had no fertility issues myself, but that book is just a great basic educational tool - every woman should read it. I think it should be required reading in high school sex ed, actually ; )
I wish you the best, I adore your blog and twitter feed, and you take some of the best instagram pics. lots of love to you!
How do you find those specialty therapists?
ReplyDeleteAlso, Huck's shirt is precious...and what is growing in those pots? GOMI once got into my head and although it turned out to be true (the blogger in question admitted it ripping off content and took down her blog) it still bothers me that I let someone else taint my thoughts about someone.
natalie, thank you for being honest about seeking out a therapist. as a society we need to be more open about mental health because it is central to leading a fulfilling life despite trying circumstances. the hush hush mentality that enshrouds those brave enough to seek out help is detrimental to us all. cheers to you and your darling family.
ReplyDeletei love that you keep it real.
ReplyDeletein the name of jesus christ, amen.
How did I miss this post!
ReplyDeleteI had to comment to this, and it is so true on how our writing should be positive, and not worry about the little things. Blogging certainly is a huge contribution, and I am impressed with those who share their thoughts, ideas, pictures, and words for free. I have learned to be myself, real, and honest in my writing as well.
I had a friend whom I knew for 7 years, and when I started my blog two years ago she all of a sudden began to accuse me of copying her posts which was so untrue...I mean we both get some snow where we live, and we both do yoga.
Anyway it was so sad, and she is no longer my friend.
Petty huh?
I have learned a lot when it comes to the internet and making my life global. You are so lucky to have a lot of adoration. That's because you are you, and unique. I love that!
Take care, and good luck in all that you do, and in trying for another baby! xo
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ReplyDeleteInfertility... and second infertility... because after you finally get one, others don't understand why you are complaining to have another one... because you should be happy... because you are still 33... they don't understand why you are still suffering... because you shouldn't. Infertility... I hate you... and I think about you every single second of my daylife... I am driving crazy counting from how long we are not waiting... I can not even go to see the 4th baby of a friend. Because why does she has 4 and why I can not ? I am not jealous, it is just reminding me my pain. I am trying to enjoy my life such as it is right now. But it is hard. Even tough I have the most amazing sweet 3 years old girl and greatest man ever ! I like to read you, it give me force, thank you Nat. (sorry for my english... I am french, we are known to be good at foreign languages ;-)
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