LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT // A 2014 ESSAY

on the first day of the new year we walked to the park, the sun stretching our shadows long across the pavement. i hummed softly as we went, a song i've had stuck in my head and have hummed softly to myself to everywhere we've been, while doing everything we've done, for the last four weeks at least. in one hand i held a small toy bow and a red quiver full of pink foam arrows, and in the other i held huck's hand, covered in mitten. we went along slowly so huck could collect every rock we passed that looked interesting, and as he bent over to inspect a jagged brown rock covered in mud i thought about the one line in particular that has always jumped out at me as i've hummed to myself all christmas long.

let your heart be light. 

this has been quite a year in the life of the holbrooks. i've mentioned that, i know, but we got the wind knocked out of us more than a few times and it bears recording. first me, then brandon, then me again, taking turns, and in the process of standing back up and forcing that air back into our lungs we learned a hell of a lot about ourselves. good things, important things. we are fighters, us holbrooks. this has been a year for the fighting.

this year my body turned straight up sinister on me. huck stopped nursing back in january and then my hormones went haywire. completely off the grid. for two weeks of the month i've been a sick, anxious mess. it is so weird. and painful, physically. when i'm in the middle of it i sometimes forget that it is ever not there, but then as soon as it ends and the hormone fogs clear i think... there's no way that was real. was that real? that didn't happen, did it? no way. but i feel so fine right now? at first i thought i was just handling poorly all of the difficult things we were going through as a family in certain situations beyond our control, but once the weaning hormones were settled and the anxiety started coming once a month instead of all month long, i put two and two together, and blah blah blah specialists blah diagnosis blah.... so, yes. i've been dealing with premenstrual dysmorphic disorder this year (pmdd) and yes. it is nutso.

so, i decided to fix it. right? hell, why not. so i spent the year seeing doctors. doctors, specialists, i've seen doctor's doctors. i've been reading up on everything. i mean, i've tried it all. natural remedies, not natural remedies, lots of SSRIs, and for every symptom i relieve i seem to add a few new in, all of them awful, none of them worth it at all, and this is the thing. the thing is, it is too much. i'm exhausted and i'm tired of living every day in fear of my menstrual cycle. it's not enough that my hormones won't let me get pregnant, but now this, too!? duuuude, body! it's just... i suppose at this point i'm at sort of a loss. i've taken my pmdd by the horns and i've done my very best to find my groove in it, but i'll admit it. at times it's felt completely hopeless. at times i've felt sure that it's beating me. all this work later and i'm just where i started, with this confusing, mildly awful, but mostly really i'm doing pretty okay in the grand scheme of things kind of situation.

but i realized something today as i was watching, yes, i know, Frozen. (good movie, two thumbs up.) so, bear with me. i found myself relating to the elsa character today and look, elsa is great, she's a strong lady and all that, but the thing is, elsa is devoured by her fear, and i'm not an elsa. i've never been an elsa, and i don't want to be an elsa. but you're not born an elsa, is the thing of it. an elsa is something you become when you let your demons overwhelm you. and it was such a good reminder that we all have demons. this pmdd, and and any other struggle in my life, never needs to be bigger than me. i don't need to give anything so much voice that it swallows me whole in the process. i've let myself become a tense, nervous wreck, and i just don't like it. i am ready to thaw out. i am ready to live anyway.

i've always believed that every new breath is a new chance to choose happiness. it's been my rallying cry for most of my adult life. happiness is a choice. it isn't a place or a set of conditions, it is a fight that you take on and then take on again, every single day. you can't let yourself forget to choose to be happy. i mean, i let myself forget all of the time, but that's not the point. the point is to remember and then get back into the battle the second you can. i'm generally a very happy person because of it. but i'd forgotten that strength is a choice, too. as is warmth. and laughter. and light. 

i can choose to be light. that is a choice that is worth fighting for.

every year instead of making resolutions, i choose a word or a theme for the upcoming year. some idea i'd like to work on, or keep close in my heart. last year it was mindfulness, one year it was creation. this year, i'd like to focus on the line i've been humming to myself all month long.

i'm choosing to let my heart be light.

from now on our troubles will be out of sight. 

or so they say.

there are so, so, so many things i can't control. life is a control freak's worst nightmare. i can't control my hormones. i can't control my body. i've never been able to, why is this always surprising to me?! but i can control my self. my spirit. i can control the energy i put out into the universe. i can control my heart.

i suppose i can't hate on this year too hard without looking really silly in the process, because this year has been so good. the lessons i've learned about myself, about others, about what makes a person's intentions good or evil and what takes a friend from acquaintance into family, these are the lessons this year gave me that i wouldn't trade for the world. i can always use the reminder that i am so small, and that god is so big, and that amazing, beautiful things are happening all around me all of the time, if i just open my eyes to see it, forget all about myself, and dive all the way into it.

i have some goals for 2014 too, i suppose. i'm in portland this month about to finish this damn book. and then i'm in new york again about to force a baby into my uterus with such force and determination that even the devil will have to hide. i am taking care of my body and i am kissing huck's angel cheeks and i am loving up my bearded husband. i am counting my blessings. i've got them tight in my arms and i am carrying them with pride. they are beautiful and abundant and i am so grateful. and so i am ready. 

come at me, 2014. i got you.